Cervical Cancer Blog Four aka The Colposcopy

It’s been a while since I last posted in my blog so apologies if you were reading these posts and were wanting more! Just over three weeks ago, I was getting ready to go in to have The Big Op and was singing ‘bye bye Miss American Pie’ except in this case Miss American Pie was my cervix.

Well I can say that I am now sans-cervix. Well done me and the entire surgical team. Well mainly ‘well done surgical team’ as they did all the work whilst I just lay there. I’ll update you on all the frivolities at a later point but if you haven’t noticed I’m doing this blog in chronological order and so we’re not quite there yet. To be fair the NHS moved incredibly fast and so it won’t be long until we are.

The op went well and I am fine. Well… as fine as I can be. I’ll be doing a blog post about the emotional fallout of this whole buggering thing but you know what? I’m just Gerrying along. I’ve saved an awful lot of positive mantra quotes onto my computer which is both encouraging and highly embarrassing.

For this blog post I want to take you back…. it’s 26^th November and I’m alone in the house waiting for my cheeky Domino’s pizza for one and looking forward to whatever Danny Mac is going to throw out on Strictly (don’t get me started on the results as I am still bitter). The pizza arrives and when I go to collect it I also pick up an envelope that has landed in the porch.

“A-ha!” I think when I see the stamp on the envelope. “My smear results are back. I’m going to grab this pizza, settle down and prepare for much rejoicing!”

I’m guessing it goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway. I didn’t rejoice. The letter informed me that I had high grade dyskaryosis which had been marked as severe. The letter continued to inform me that I needed to have something called a colposcopy and a possible cervical biopsy.

This wasn’t what I was expecting. I was expecting polyps, not a letter with scary words. This was also the first time a thought started to creep into my mind. ‘I don’t know if this is going to go my way.’

Unfortunately, I was so worried about the results of the letter that I neither fully enjoyed my pizza nor the shirtless Danny Mac. So here is my favourite ever Samba embedded in my blog so that I can watch it over and over again. Feel free to send me pizza if you truly want me to enjoy the experience.

I’m now going to do a brief medical interlude. Remember what I said in the last blog post about abnormal cells and how they can be caught before anything nasty happens? I believe I used a highly technical visual aid. Well we are still at this stage so if anyone reading this gets a letter using the words ‘high grade dyskaryosis’ it is not cause for panic.

Dyskaryosis refers to abnormal cells and cervical changes. These are not cancer. It means that there are changes that need to be investigated and that is where the invitation to attend colposcopy may come in. To help I have created another highly technical visual aid…

Your cervix goes through a sort of ‘choose your own adventure’ process now. My cervix chose option 4. A friend of a friend’s cervix also chose option 4. Her journey ended when she had the colposcopy and, during the appointment, the abnormal cells were removed and her pathology results came back clear. I share this because I want people to know that an invite to a colposcopy and the mention of severe changes to their cervix can just be that. As previously mentioned this is the cervical screening process doing what it’s designed to do.

I’m now going to tell you about my colposcopy and the biopsy taken during that appointment. You are incredibly lucky that you don’t have to witness the hand gestures that I use when describing this to people. I have heard from friends who have children that there is no dignity in childbirth. I tell you now there is also no dignity to be found when having gynaecological problems.

I want to warn any blog readers. I am writing about cervical cancer…. this is going to refer to some gross and embarrassing situations and lady parts. Yes, lady parts are involved. As a society we don’t seem to want to discuss cervical cancer and I wonder if that is in part due to the area that it’s located in. It’s not like half the population have female parts or anything.

The ‘proper’ description of a colposcopy is this: -

Colposcopy is a more detailed look at the cervix. Instead of looking at the cervix with a naked eye, the person performing the colposcopy will use a special microscope to see changes at high magnification with good lighting. You will be examined on a purpose-built couch and the microscope will stay outside of your body and all that goes inside is the speculum. Some clinics may be equipped with video equipment so that you can watch the examination. The colposcopist will put several different solutions on the cervix and look for changes that indicate the presence of changes to the cells.

Here is a ‘proper’ picture of a colposcopy: -

Here is a summary of my description of a colposcopy: -

Colposcopy is where you will enter a room where a variety of medical professionals, about 3 more than expected, are waiting to stare at your cervix. You will get naked from the waist down so wear a skirt but still expect that you will have your bare ass to the room at some point. You will be examined on a purpose-built couch that allows for your crotch to be the most focal viewing and talking point in the room. A colposcopist will get face level with your vagina. This will be weird for 30 seconds and then you will become strangely accustomed quite quickly. A speculum will be used. The gentleness of this being inserted will rely solely on your colposcopist. If the clinic is equipped with video equipment you can watch the examination. Your cervix will look huge and incredibly intimidating. The colposcopist will explain what the solutions they are putting on your cervix do. You will not be able to pay attention to this as you will be distracted by looking at your massive cervix.

Here is my visual interpretation of a colposcopy: -

Ok. I will be honest. I don’t think the Eye of Sauron was living at the end of my birth canal. So, you’re going to have to take the above visual representation with a rather liberal pinch of salt.

The last thing I want to do, the very last thing I want to do, is to make anyone reading this anxious or worried about this procedure in case they are invited to one. However as this is my blog about my experiences thus far I have to be honest and say that I didn’t enjoy the experience at all. But I do think that was more to do with extenuating factors then the actual procedure itself.

It all started with what is probably standard practice for gynaecological waiting areas in hospitals (of which I had no prior clue about) but the waiting area I was in was split by temporary barricades into gynaecology and ante-natal. You sit in your relevant section. Or you’re supposed to but the number of people that have gotten pregnant and then lost the ability to read is clearly quite high in that hospital’s catchment area. I was sat, quite nervously, in the correct waiting area surrounded by heavily pregnant women and their partners that may as well just have been looking at me like this: -

This was further compounded by the overly cheery nurse who trotted towards me and chirped, “are you here for your scan?!” No. Because unlike every other f*cker in that place I could still actually read and was not, in fact, sat in ante-natal.

I come across as sensitive about this I know but at that point I wasn’t really and my irritation was more to do with the fact that my partner and I could have been anyone. I was waiting to go into a procedure that I was anxious about but the situation could have been worse for some women. I could have been there because I was having unexplained fertility issues, or was trying to conceive but couldn’t, or, (god forbid) was worried that something was going wrong with an early stage pregnancy.

 

Past Gerry doesn’t know this but she will, in a few months, be aware that the treatment designed to get rid of her yet unknown cervical cancer would have an impact on her reproductive system and her ability to ever have Little Gerry’s. Present Gerry finds this situation okish but feels enough things about it to create another blog post about children and fertility. There are, however, countless other women that would find overly cheery nurse’s comments to be exceptionally harming so all things considered it’s a good thing the universe sent her my way that day.

The nurse is still alive by the way. There is a saying ‘if looks could kill’ but luckily, they can’t.

This entire situation was made even worse not five minutes later by the fact that I couldn’t hear my consultant calling my name. When I finally heard her I got told off for making her wait. I. Got. Told. Off. At this point my nerves were all over the place because this was the woman that was about to get acquainted with my intimates.

I had four medical professionals attending the colposcopy, two wonderful nurses who I cannot sing high enough praise about, the grumpy consultant who told me that I was looking worried and that I shouldn’t look so worried (I did try to smooth my crinkled forehead out but it was just not happening) and a medical student whose entire role was just…to watch. I mean she was pretty much like this during the entire thing….

What happens next was as per my previous summary and to be fair, despite it being an odd and bizarre experience the colposcopy needed to have happened. I would have preferred the consultant to be more gentle with the speculum because she went with the approach of ‘let’s just ram it in’ which turned out to hurt. However, as we know now this may have been a result of the tumour that was in residence. It doesn’t mean that my experience is everyone’s experience. In fact, the previously mentioned friend of a friend had absolutely no issue with hers at all.

Because the cells I had were identified as severe they wanted to take them out there and then. If you are reading this and find yourself in this situation you want this too. It may be nerve-wracking but trust me you want this. Just lie back and imagine that the Hobbits are off to destroy the one ring. Or maybe something else suited to your interests.

There are several methods of abnormal cell removal but I can only talk about the one which is called a ‘LLETZ.’ This stands for ‘large loop excision of the transformation zone’ aka where they run an electric current up a wire loop and slice (for the lack of a better word) a centimetre or so off your cervix. I have googled an image of this so you don’t have to. You are most welcome.

This procedure allows for enough tissue to be taken in the hopes that all dodgy cells are removed but also allows for enough of a sample to be analysed by the pathology department. You’re awake during the LLETZ but there is an injection of a local anaesthetic right on the cervix. It’s a bit like a bee stinging you up your fanny.

My nurse offered her hand for me to hold. I took it. In fact, it was quite nice. If you are ever in this position and you want to hold hands with your nurse just do it. My advice is to just do whatever you need to do to get through a very unusual moment in your life.

I started giggling halfway through my procedure. Partly because of nerves, partly because the situation is so weird and partly because of the lovely two nurses who were both doing medical stuff but were talking away to make me feel at ease.

When they started the LLETZ procedure they had made me feel so calm that even the sound of the little medical vacuum humming away didn’t put me off and you don’t feel a thing. You’re even given a bit of entertainment watching your leg twitch away from the electrical current pad that has been attached. It didn’t meet dizzying cancan heights but it was fun to watch. The most embarrassing moment was when I realised I was grabbing my boobs in an act of subconscious comfort and needed to discretely pretend that I wasn’t.

The worst moment of it all was at the beginning when the consultant had clearly confused my pelvis with a bottle of wine and was trying to use the speculum like a bottle opener. She announced pre-LLETZ that she ‘wasn’t getting a clear view of the cervix’ and that she ‘needed to twist the speculum.’ I heard a small voice say ‘please don’t’ before I realised it was me. Needless to say she ignored me and needless to say I can’t look at one of these without flashbacks…

I’ll have to ask if she thought I was a good vintage.

At one point my body clearly had enough of what occurring and so my little cervical minions (I’m just guessing) decided to work together to push the speculum out. Sadly, it didn’t fly out across the room which would have been amazing, because the consultant needed to make sure that thing stayed put. Which it did. By her repeatedly shoving (and I do mean shoving) it back in.

Overall if you need to have a colposcopy and LLETZ it is needed and worthwhile. Just stay away from consultants that look like this…

This could be an exaggeration on my part. But it isn’t. It totally isn’t.

After the procedure was over I looked a little like this in terms of skin colour and hair: -

The shuffle walk I did back out to the waiting area made all the pregnant couples sitting in gynaecology go very quiet. I simply announced that I wanted a hot chocolate followed by a long nap both of which I got and both of which I felt I deserved. Then, because I refused to miss my work’s Christmas Party which happened to be that evening I slapped on the biggest spanx pants and the most suitable sanitary towel I had and promised my partner that I would attend the dinner only and would be able to be picked up by 9pm.

Christmas Party ensued….

I got picked up at 2am. I felt great.

Then I woke up the next day when both the local anaesthetic and alcohol had worn off.

I did not feel great. To be blunt it felt a bit like someone had chucked a Molotov cocktail up my foof.

So 'Gerry’s tips' to you regarding colposcopy and LLETZ are this: -

• Attend. These are necessary and important procedures.
• If you’re nervous tell them, the nurses will do all they can to put you at ease.
• If you’re really nervous and want your friend/ partner/ mum in with you then ask.
• If you’re uncomfortable ask them to stop.
• If you want to see the screen and they don’t offer to show you then ask. I have now seen my cervix magnified to crazy levels and it reminds me of a giant pink doughnut. When the swab goes towards it, it looks like a giant marshmallow. If you don’t want to see giant marshmallow’s, they won’t make you look.
• If you are genuinely anxious and don’t think you can handle a LLETZ treatment at the same appointment, then tell them and see if you can get something to take the edge off and have it later. But, as someone who is very highly anxious, I found it best to just get it over with.
• Hold the hand of anyone who offers it. Providing of course that they are with you or they work there.
• Have something lovely to look forward to like a hot beverage, nap or Christmas Party.
• If you attend a Christmas Party and feel like you can dance through any discomfort, try and remember that alcohol and anaesthetic don’t last forever.
• Do not attempt a dancing circle.
• Do not tipsily tell a senior female manager that you are numb from the waist down. They don’t know the context nor will they want to.

As my frolleague keeps telling me ‘YOLO’ (she’s young) so I OLO’d? I don’t even know these words.

I was told by the hospital that I would receive the biopsy results between two – six weeks’ time and if there was anything to be concerned about then I would receive it nearer the two weeks but to go off and enjoy my Christmas. Which I did.

Three weeks had come and gone and no sign of a letter so I was living with the hope that all was well. I neglected to consider Christmas post times and clearly as soon as letters were being delivered there was a glorious envelope waiting for me. Post-Christmas present indeed!

This is a rather lengthy post! If you’ve nodded off halfway through I can assure you this will still be here for you to read. I hopefully won’t keep those of you interested waiting long for the next one!

See you soon. 

Cervical Cancer Blog Three aka The Cervical Screening

I write this the night before I say goodbye to my cervix. Tomorrow it is being removed via a rather brilliant surgical piece of equipment and a rather brilliant surgical procedure. Whilst I may come across as flippant about this, please rest assured, I am not. I’m writing this to expel some nervous pre-op energy. I’m also writing it to expand upon how lucky I am, something that I have alluded to in previous posts.

I was given the option of having a hysterectomy or something called a trachelectomy (this is the cervix removing operation). This is not an option available for everyone and seems to come down to two things: -

·         The postcode lottery of the NHS and whether there is a hospital or surgeon near the patient that can offer that treatment

·         How early they catch the cancer

Now there are moments where I sit in quiet contemplation and think ‘the universe gave me cancer,’ and then I get angry about it and go ‘the universe gave me cancer, what the actual FUCK!!’ which swings back to quiet contemplation and so on and so forth. Whilst I could hold onto the anger (and so far, there have been moments after the 1^st op where I have been truly furious) I refuse. In the words of seemingly every ten-year old’s favourite Disney princess I have chosen to…let it go. Here, have an obligatory Elsa.

As I need to survive this process with my obnoxious sense of self intact, I need to retain the thought that I have been extremely lucky (which I have been). To elaborate on why, I want to start with a summary of the symptoms of cervical cancer. These are: -

Here is another symptom of cervical cancer: -

It seems that for many nasty things it is very common for symptoms to be in the latter category. It is also very common for cervical cancer to fall into the latter and this is exactly why those screenings are important. By the time some women experience symptoms the outcomes are less positive.

As established, I didn’t attend my screenings when invited and so this is where my luck kicks in. I doubt I would have attended any future ones as (also previously established) my ignorance was driving me to believe that this was never going to happen to me. In usual cases of cervical cancer, once symptoms begin to display, this could be a very different type of blog post to write. As is stands I was lucky and started to develop symptoms in the early stages (not common). This is what made me go ahead and finally, finally, investigate the problem. So now, I won’t have a cervix but I get to keep my life and isn’t that the most wonderful trade off?

In cervical screening awareness week, this is my final push on the importance of attending cervical screenings. All subsequent posts will be on what happened after. Now my intention is not to worry anyone at all. If you are reading the symptom list and you’re thinking, “um…I think I am experiencing some of those” please, please don’t panic. The chances of these symptoms being cancer are slim.

As established in ‘The Biology Lesson,’ the female reproductive system is a very complex piece of machinery. There is a reason the entire medical practice of gynaecology exists. If you are experiencing anything out of the ordinary it could be nothing, it could be something, it could be easily treatable or you may have a different story of your own to tell. Regardless, if you feel something is amiss then go and see someone about it.

I believed so very strongly that I had polyps. When I discussed it with a friend she thought it could be endometriosis. This was after I thought my symptoms were just related to problem periods I used to have, or that my birth control was no longer working out for me or that I was having some very overenthusiastic sexy times. I pray no family members read that last bit. If they do I am telling you now…I don’t even know what a penis is. Promise.

So, I finally booked my screening. This is my experience and my experience alone so I can’t speak on behalf of others but this is how it went.

A 22 Step Guide to Cervical Screening

Step 1: Picked up phone and went into meeting room at work. Spoke to receptionist. Booked appointment. Did this in front of someone who has the misfortune to be both friend and colleague. Feel sorry for this Colliend? Frolleague? She will suffer the many tales of Gerry later to come.

Step 2: Turned up to GP’s and booked self in. Sat in waiting room hoping that no one has anything contagious. Be grateful that I remembered to shave. Wonder how hairy knees still are.

Step 3: Get called in and basically break into a nervous run to get to the room.

Step 4: Be greeted professionally by a nurse because she is a professional and she won’t do anything that isn’t. Discuss the fact that I haven’t attended a smear before. Be gently admonished. State how nervous I am because I have symptoms. Be gently reassured.

Step 4: Step to where the bed thingy is. Have nurse explain what will happen. Receive request to remove everything from below the waist. Request to keep socks on. Request…granted.

Step 5: Nurse pulls curtain across bed for privacy and steps outside. Wonder what the point is as she’s pretty much going to get a good ol’ gander anyways. Struggle to get out of socks and tights. Feel glad that she closed the curtain and is not witnessing a grown adult struggle with her clothes. Struggle to put socks back on. Fold clothes neatly on chair because there is no need to be impolite and messy.

Step 6: Get comfortable on bed. Feel decidedly uncomfortable as there is no candlelight or soft music.

Step 7: Nurse returns. Explains door is locked. Demonstrates ‘the smallest speculum she could find.’ Spend 30 seconds wondering what this implies.

Step 8: Nurse shines spotlight on the area of investigation. Start to wonder if my vagina should have prepared a routine. Would it be a singer? A dancer? Some sort of magic show? Nervously giggle as the situation is just… weird.

Step 9: Get next steps explained – knees up, bring feet to bum and then just drop ‘em to the sides. Proceed to complete steps 1 -2. When needing to proceed with step 3 I just lay there. Told nurse that any second now I will definitely get round to it.

Step 10: Take a deep breath and drop ‘em to the sides.

Step 11: Get told to take another deep breath and drop ‘em some more. Apparently, it’s hard to conduct a smear test if you only move your knees 5 centimetres apart.

Step 12: Feel the urge to make a joke about usually getting dinner before someone’s face gets that close.

Step 13: Make sensible decision to not make that joke.

Step 14: Drop ‘em some more.

Step 15: Enter Sandman. I mean Enter Speculum. Feel amazement at how cold something can possibly be. Wince a bit. Understand that this bit is not fun nor comfy but realise it wasn’t as horrific as I thought.

Step 16: Enter brush. Pull a face as it connects with cervix as this bit feels weird and not entirely good. Feels like she is going to brush forever. Wonder if the nurse thinks she is Bert from Mary Poppins and is going to chim chim cheree until the end of time (as we now know there was a tumour there so it could mean that the discomfort I felt at this point could be related to that – I don’t have a comparison). Look at knees. Realise that they are surprisingly hairy and that I clearly cannot shave them properly.

Step 17: Bleed a bit. Get told that this is very common and is not a sign of anything nefarious.

Step 18: Nurse extracts brush. Realise that at this point less than 5 minutes have passed.

Step 19: Nurse extracts speculum. Minor problem occurs when it decides to wrap itself around my cervix. Wonder how the hell that is biologically possible. Wince a bit more as cervix clearly wants to hold onto speculum. Understand now that my cervix was trying to communicate with me. Speculum extracted.

Step 20: Nurse draws curtain and steps outside to give me dressing privacy. Struggle to get back into tights and socks. Wonder how anyone in the history of mankind has ever managed to successfully put tights on even though it was something I could do that morning.

Step 21: Receive explanation of what happens next – a letter to my home address between 2 – 6 weeks stating results of the smear. Be told that if there is anything to be concerned about it will be received in 2.

Step 22: Walk gleefully out of the surgery stating to the nurse that ‘it wasn’t nearly as bad as I was thinking and that I would never miss it again’ and then rewarded myself with a can of full fat coke.

Here’s Bert. You will not get Bert.

For a lot of women (and more than likely for those reading this) your journey will end here, or more likely, when you receive the letter stating that your results were fine. Good!! Oh, so good! Then you forget about it all and get called up three years later and repeat this process until you no longer need to repeat this process.  

Whilst I can genuinely say that the smear test was the most pleasant part of this entire process so far, I will be honest and say that it isn’t pleasant. It wasn’t as bad as I was imagining it to be but for some women they may have anxiety about this process and so I don’t believe in shaming women who haven’t attended or refuse to downplay their fears or concerns.

My tips for those concerned would be the below: -

·         Book an appointment time that you’ll be most comfortable with. If you feel like you just want to get it over with and a so a morning slot on a Monday is best, then go for it. If you feel like you need to relax into the day, then try and get one for the afternoon.

·         The nurse will probably be female but if that is a concern than double check this with the receptionist when you book. Request a female if that makes you more comfortable.

·         Tell the nurse performing the smear that you are nervous, they will try and re-assure you the best they can.

·         Ask to see the speculum if you feel that may help. Request a small size if you feel intimidated by the larger ones…yep that’s right they come in all sizes!

·         Wear something that you feel comfortable getting in and out of, they should cover you with a sheet anyway but a dress or skirt will provide a bit more discretion.

·         When the nurse is performing the exam, ask her to explain what is going on if that makes you more comfortable, or just make small talk or stare at the ceiling in silence. Whatever works for you.

·         Remember: if you want someone to stop a medical procedure you have the right to ask them to stop and they will do so.

·         If you don’t want to go in alone ask someone you love and trust to go with you. Even if they wait outside the curtain chatting to you, you may find their presence comforting.

It’s a common misconception that cervical screenings are testing for cancer. This isn’t the case. Yes, they can pick up cancer and other problems that may not be presenting themselves yet however the main purpose for them is to pick up problems before they become problems.

In the language of my people (the geekdom) I will present the purpose of cervical screenings in a visual that relates to me.

For the majority of people your cells will remain just that….cells. Normal, healthy cells. Most smears will report that there are no abnormal changes and your cervix is just having a ball down there being nice and lovely. Just like this guy! Smear test has done its job! Yay!

If your cells have eaten after midnight…wait hold on…no. Sorry. If your cells have done something…unusual then they may change. These changes could be mild, moderate or severe but it means that they are no longer the healthy cells that you once had. Kind of like these guys….

…they look like the nice and lovely Gizmo but have started to behave badly.

Good news - these cells will do one of two things: -

·         Revert to being normal, healthy cells. This is quite often the case if they are mild or moderate. It may mean that you are invited back to a screening in a few months’ time to check that this is the case.

·         Be taken out. This is usually the case if the cells are found to be severe. This is a good thing. It means that your cells are abnormal (sometimes pre-cancerous but not always) but it means they are getting taken out before they can do anymore damage or get any worse.

Smear test has done its job!

If. If, you leave these severe changes unchecked they can do something more destructive. Those normal, healthy cells can become pre-cancerous which in turn can become cancerous and then you are dealing with this…

The smear test is a stop gap to sure that your cells are lovely and remain lovely and that they are stopped before they reek damage on your resident home town aka your cervix or other body parts.

(Try finding another blog that will relate cervical cancer to the Gremlins. Good friggin’ luck!)

I shall sign off now, I may not write next week depending on the level of shite I feel but this is far from finished!

Stay tuned.

Cervical Cancer Blog Two aka The Biology Lesson

In my rather creatively titled ‘blog post one’ on cervical cancer (can be found here for the interested) I gave an explanation as to how stupid I have been. In said post I also mentioned that I was lucky. This may seem like an odd word for someone to describe herself as when she has just received a cancer diagnosis but I will elaborate on this in another post soon.  

I also mentioned that I would expand on cervical cancer symptoms because in my case these and ‘luck’ go hand in hand.

But first….

Hehehehe. Ahem. Sorry. But look it has a little smiley face…Ahem. Anyway. Sorry.

I wanted to interrupt my own blog with a quick biology lesson. Back when I was at university I volunteered as a sexual health worker at a youth centre. I still consider it to be one of the most rewarding thing I have ever done. During my training, I learnt a lot about the female and male reproductive organs, more than what information was ever presented at school, so I feel like I knew quite a bit about uteruses and cervixes anyway.

Whilst me and my partner were telling friends and family about my diagnosis we noticed that one thing, or more precisely, one question cropped up from time to time. ‘What is it?’

Now this question was asked by both men and women and one friend mentioned to me that she didn’t know an awful lot about her own biology and her own reproductive organs. This is not her fault, not even a little, and is more indicative about the lack of education we receive on this subject. If we try and encourage women to attend more of their cervical screenings does it stand to reason that we need to also explain the importance of, oh I don’t know, the organ which we are screening?

One of the reasons that women may not attend their screenings could be simply that they don’t know the significance of what is going on down there. So this is biology….Gerry stylee. 

I even drew myself teaching a class using Paint! Look, you continue reading this you've just to deal with the fact that I love Paint.

What is cancer?

I would be surprised if anyone didn’t know what this it. I think children are now aware of what this is. I was thinking back to if there was ever a time where I didn’t know what cancer was. Honestly? I genuinely couldn’t. Maybe this is because there is more exposure now to cancer and people are more open to discussions (a good thing) or maybe, just maybe, it’s because there isn’t a person amongst us who doesn’t know someone who hasn’t been diagnosed.

The NCI (National Cancer Institute) defines cancer as abnormal cells that divide without control and can invade nearby tissue. Cancer cells can also spread to other parts of the body through the blood and lymph systems. Cancer can start almost anywhere in the human body.

Gerry’s explanation of cancer: It’s a fucktard of a disease. Just one day, out of the blue, something inside your body goes directly against what your body is supposed to do. It’s one of those things that just happens. It doesn’t select through age, sex, sexuality, race, whether you are a good person or a shit-head that eats with their mouth open and talks through the good bits in movies. It doesn’t know, it doesn’t care. Cancer doesn’t think. It just exists and, through its own existence, destroys.

Sorry, I can’t make cancer sound fun. It isn’t. Not for the people that have it and not for the people who love someone who has ever had it.

What is a cervix (and all those other bits)?

Here is a lovely diagram of the female reproductive organs. I opted not to use Paint for this as I feel my talents may not represent it all faithfully.

Gerry explanation:-

Ovaries – two of these, egg producing machines. Fun fact – baby girls are born with all the eggs that they will ever have inside their bodies. Males start producing sperm during puberty and pretty much become sperm making machines for a very, very long time. Females have them already stocked but there is a limited supply hence the menopause. When the eggs start running out and the ovaries stop producing hormones to release them; menopause starts. Important. Prone to numerous problems. Can develop cancer.

Fallopian tubes ­– two of these. Acts as the transport system to get the egg from the ovary into the uterus. The egg gets fertilised in the fallopian tube but doesn’t implant there. Important. An egg can implant there. If this happens then there are all sorts of problems. Can develop cancer.

Uterus – one of these…although in some rare and random medical cases apparently there can be two. Huh. Go figure. Supposed to be pear shaped but some women may have different shaped ones which, guess what, can cause problems. In basic terms this is where the baby lives during pregnancy. Important. Prone to many problems. Can develop cancer.

Cervix ­– one of these. Latin for ‘neck’ as it connects the uterus to the vagina. Controls what goes in and out of the uterus (sperm, blood, babies) and is vital in the role of pregnancy and childbirth. Aka stops the baby falling out and then opens massively to make sure the baby can get out. You know in medical shows when women in childbirth have their knees up to their ears and are screaming blue murder and a doctor is yelling ‘she’s ten centimetres dilated…push…push….PUSH!!!!’ yeah they are referring to the cervix. Prone to many problems. Can develop cancer.

Vagina -  one of these. Most people know what this is. Important for periods, childbirth and sexy times. Prone to many problems. Can develop cancer.

As you can see it’s a scary, complex and fascinating world down there. We women have a lot going on!

What is cervical cancer?

I thought I would leave this bit to the professionals. This link does a brilliant job of explaining what cervical cancer is, as well as listing causes, risk factors and how to reduce your risk - https://www.jostrust.org.uk/about-cervical-cancer/cervical-cancer.

I need to take a moment also to highlight how wonderful Jo’s Trust is. A lot of the information that I need, that I haven’t necessarily been able to get from nurses or doctors, I have found here so take a moment or two and give it its due.

Gerry’s explanation of cervical cancer: It’s a fucktard of a disease.

Here endeth the biology lesson.

See you soon.

Cervical Cancer Blog One (not a very creative title - sorry!)

Let’s start with this. I have brown hair, brown eyes and cervical cancer. Amongst other many descriptions of me, I am also these two things: -

·         Stupid

·         Lucky

Before I go on I just want you to know that you can also think these of me and I would understand it. Really, I would. So, think it, digest it, but just don’t say it to me. If there is anything at all I have learnt in the past few weeks is that I don’t need anyone telling me what I already know.

But I am stupid and I am lucky.

If I continue to be lucky then my cancer story is going to be short one with a positive ending which, at the time of writing this, it looks like it will be. So, let’s hope my entries on this topic are short. Sadly, I can’t guarantee that they will be sweet.

My reasons for wanting to write all this down are mainly due to the below: -

·       Mainstream cervical cancer stories that are positive are in short supply. The majority that reach main news are either about Jade Goody, women who didn’t get treatment in time or women who died before they even reached cervical screening age. I understand these stories highlight the severity of cervical cancer and bring its own kind of awareness, however, when you have just been diagnosed with cervical cancer, these stories are terrifying.

·       Cervical cancer doesn’t nearly get as much awareness as I would like it to have. Before my diagnosis, it wasn’t really on my radar and neither were the events surrounding it. For instance, I didn’t know that January was the designated month for cervical cancer and contained a Prevention Week concentrating on getting women to attend their smears.  This is extremely important because cervical cancer is a cancer that is preventable through screening. Partly due to a lack of awareness on cervical cancer it took me a long time to realise the symptoms I had were problematic. More on that fun topic later.

·         Sharing stories with women who have gone through similar experiences are a bit of a lifeline right now. I have stumbled upon some blogs written by women just like me (and one in fact who was treated by the very same consultant who is now treating me) and have poured over every single word. This is oddly comforting when the insomnia kicks in and you scour the internet at 3am for anything you can get your greedy, needy eyes on. It may not always be pleasant but the majority outline their own experience and it makes me feel better prepared for what may be coming my way.

·        Writing helps me.

·       I’m hoping if someone finds themselves in a similar situation that they will find this an odd sort of comfort of their own. I’m also hoping that if someone is thinking that they don’t need to attend their cervical screenings, or know of someone who won’t, that this may be the slap upside the head that they need.

That brings me nicely to the first issue at hand and back to the first point. I am stupid.

Cervical cancer is a relatively slow growing cancer which can take up to ten years to fully present itself. So, whilst you are doing things like this….

…and are feeling absolutely wonderful doing so, those cancer cells could already be making their home quite comfortably throughout the cervical tissue. In fact, the first three photos were taken a matter of months before a cancer diagnosis was confirmed. Do I look sick to you? Do I look like I’m in pain? Nope. Because at that point, even though the answer to the first question is yes, the answer to the second was mainly no. I say mainly no but again I’ll get to that and the lack of symptom awareness at a later stage.

The point I’m trying to make is that cervical cancer doesn’t always present itself. For some reason an episode of The Simpsons where Bart is skipping out on lessons comes to mind…

Well at least I have a grasp of human autonomy. But sadly it wasn’t that I popped off my work chair one day grabbing my crotch Michael Jackson style screaming ‘my cervix, my cervix!’

This is why those screenings, that take minutes, are vital because if a medical professional finds abnormal cells they can take them out and often be done with the whole thing.

In an alternate version of this universe there is a version of me, sitting at home without a care in the world. That version of me went to my cervical screenings. This version of me did not. I’m not going to lecture. I don’t respond well to lecturing myself but that is another reason why I wanted to document this. If, like me, you think that attending those screenings are a waste of time because cancer doesn’t happen to people like you (like it was never supposed to happen to me – doh!) then I just want to open your eyes a little. If anyone good comes out of this I hope to act as yours, or someone that you know, terrible warning.

I have a print that says as much on the hallway wall. ‘If you can’t be a good example, be a terrible warning.’ At the time I bought it, I meant you know, don’t eat towelette’s or something. Or, don’t eat out of date ham the night before you’re due to have a thorough pelvic examination. True f*cking story.

This is my first post on the subject. There will be quite a few more.

I just wanted to make sure I had words on a page ready for the start of the Cervical Cancer Prevention Week. The campaign is #smearforsmear and I’m for anything that works but if you know me you also know my views on not hiding the reality of things. So, just in case you wanted a harsh and brutal prompt check out the below photos.

Go. Get. It. Booked. I make a point of not making wishes on the past as making wishes doesn’t change what has happened. But honestly? I wish I had just gone to the screenings.

Stay tuned for more soon.

Gerry's Guide on 'The Cat'

Instructions for Morgan - Mainly Around 'The Cat'

So we are going away for the first time since owning a cat and Huw's brother is doing a bit of house sitting for us. Mainly cat sitting if we're being completely honest and so I created this rather handy guide on how to survive with the cat for a week.

I have somehow broken this into a guide by room similar to Cluedo...except instead of it being Professor Peacock in the Conservatory with the Lead Piping it will more likely be Fluffy Kitty in Any Room with Razor Sharp Claws.

Nah, she's harmless really...

So, Dear Morgan...

Attic room

The door always remains shut as it is an absolute mess in there at the moment. Somehow the cat has worked out how to open the door. No clue how as she doesn’t have apposable thumbs. If she were a Velociraptor we would all be in trouble.

If you can’t find the cat and somehow the door is open she will be in there. You can get her attention by waving a packet of Dreamies at her.

She will run up and down the attic stairs. Loudly. At night. When you are trying to sleep. Because she is spoilt and is Gerry’s precious boo boo this will continue forever. That and she is a cat and so there is no stopping it really.

 Study

This door also always remains shut unless someone is in there. This is because it contains Gerry’s Most Precious Things™ which may seem like nerdy nonsense to the world but Gerry loves them dearly. Because the cat is a leaper she will happily leap all over the shelves and possibly Destroy Stuff™. Because she is a cat she has no moral compass and doesn’t know that destroying Gerry’s Most Precious Things™ is wrong.

If you need to get her out, wave that packet of Dreamies like there is no tomorrow.

Guest Room

Make yourself at home! It’s up to you if you want to leave the door open or not. If you leave the door open then the cat will find her way in and make herself at home. This will either be on the pillow or the duvet or on your sleeping body, whichever she deems most comfortable. If she isn’t sure about you then she will just watch you closely in the night and silently judge you.

If she likes you then she will sit on your chest, watch you closely in the night and silently judge you.

If you don’t leave the door open and she knows you are in there prepare yourself for constant meowing and pawing at the door. Unless she doesn’t like you. I suggest you pray that she doesn’t like you.

Gerry and Huw’s Bedroom

Just let her go in there. It’s her room now anyway.

Bathroom

The door remains shut if no one is at home. If she were to get in then it’s not the end of the world. However it may well be the end of our glass shower screen as she elects to repeatedly bash the glass light switch against it.

If you are using the bathroom with the door closed she will meow pathetically like you are having some sort of elegant soiree in there that she got all dressed up nice for and that you promised her you would take her to but you haven’t because you are one mean bastard. Do not let her guilt trip you. Pee or poop in peace.

If you leave the door open slightly ajar she will push her way through and sit and watch you. She is judging your toilet paper skills. She is judging your tooth brushing habits. Nothing you do is right. She is a cat. She is your intellectual superior and wants you to know it.

Stairs

Now this is where she really earns the nickname Willow ‘Trip-Hazard’ Wandler.

Hallway

When you do anything with the blinds in the downstairs hall she will miraculously appear. This is also a good way to draw her out of whatever room you want her out of. The blind cord is not a blind cord at all but is, in fact, The Mystical Swingy Thing of Power. Only she appreciates its true value.

If you give her a toy to play with allow ten to fifteen minutes of play before you have to go to the sideboard in the hall and fish it out from underneath.

Front Doors/ Porch

Now this is the serious stuff – Willow is an indoor cat. I don’t rate her chances of survival in the outside world as being particularly high. Mostly because she has never been outside but also because I think she inherited some sort of idiot gene. I once caught her trying to climb the bannister to catch a fly, I mean she was literally going to throw herself off into the air in the hopes that she would destroy it. We were very close to having a scene similar to the end of Die Hard where Hans Gruber just looks into the camera as he falls down the side of the building. That didn’t occur in the end but it wasn’t for the lack of the cat trying.

Just imagine you are living in a space ship and there needs to be an air lock system. One door must always close before the other one opens. Such is life huh?? Huh??? If anyone knocks on the door or rings the bell they quite often just open the porch door and that cat is ninja fast so it’s best to make sure you have shut her away before you even try opening the front door.

Living Room

Not that we are forgetting the other two incredibly important members of the Chandler-Walsh household except these little ladies are so low maintenance and chilled it’s ridiculous. Clove is the fuzzy one and Mabel is the smooth one. They will happily talk to each other and you and if people don’t think that those little guinea pig clucking noises are the most adorable thing in the world then I don’t think I want to know those people.

I tend to greet them with “Hello Squiggly Ladies!” You don’t have to do this. We also like to sing “big bottom girls make the rockin’ world go round” at them. Again, you don’t have to do this.

The most important things for the piggies are as follows:-

·         Fresh water in their bottle

·         Fill up their hay stack

·         Replenish their pellets if they look low

·         Give them a handful of spinach – once in the morning and then again at about 6.30.

·         Bowl of fresh vegetables in the evening.

 

Hay and pellets can be found in the cupboard under the stairs. It is a disaster zone, please don’t judge us.

 

Huw and I will make sure they have a nice clean cage before we go and don’t worry about picking them up and getting them out while we are away. It’s only for a week and they can be skittish things if you’re not used to them. They can act like you are about to destroy their entire existence when all you’re doing is retrieving the chewed up and forgotten carrot pieces.

 

The cat will leap up onto the windowsill and stare out at the world beyond. This is fine. The cat will stare at the guinea pigs. This is also fine. The cat will then walk around the cage to get closer to where they are. This is starting to get less fine. The cat will try and ‘tap’ them. This is not fine. The cat knows that this is wrong so all you need to do is stand up and she will retract her paw from the cage and act like she doesn’t know why you are upset.

 

Feel free to chuck her out of the living room if she does this too much. She will meow pathetically but don’t let her guilt trip you into letting her back in.

 

The moral of that last story is feel free to leave the living room door open when you are in the house but make sure the cat can’t get in when you aren’t there. Or it’s just not fair on my little large- bottomed fuzzy faced babies.

 

If you need to get the cat out of the living room then you guessed it, grab those Dreamies.

 

Help yourself to Netflix. May I suggest Stranger Things? You should watch it. It is fantastic. Don’t judge the other stuff saved on there. Gilmore Girls is not mine. Once Upon A Time….is.

 

Kitchen

Every time you open the fridge door you will experience The Guinea Pig Chorus. Even if you have just fed them they will still sing for their supper. Guinea pig safe list is here - https://www.pdsa.org.uk/taking-care-of-your-pet/small-furries/diet

The grill is dangerous. I don’t care what anyone else says, it is a friend to no man. Also, if you use the grill or stove you can’t walk off. Remember what I said earlier about the cat having an idiot gene? Yeah I’ve also had to stop her from leaping up onto the grill and stove when they are on.

Help yourself to whatever food you can find. If Huw has done the food shop before we go this will be healthy items filled with nutritional value. If Gerry has done the food shop then you will have the remnants of whatever alcohol she didn’t finish off in time. And snack-a-jacks.

This is important: The Dreamies are on the side table by the door. Locate these first and you may have a chance at surviving the night.

Utility

Yeah you’re gonna have to operate that space ship airlock thing here too.

If you use the tumble dryer for whatever reason you can’t turn it on and leave the house as apparently it’s on some recall ‘it may kill you and all your loved ones’ list. That doesn’t mean it’s going to creep up the stairs silently in the night and sneak into the room where you are sleeping and silently watch the cat silently watch you. It just means that there is something dodgy with the mechanism that means the lint… hold on I have just given myself the creeps about the tumble dryer.

The cat food is in the cupboard.

Dining Area

The cat’s food and water bowls are in the dining area. Please give her fresh water in the morning and then again in the afternoon. She has one full pouch of cat food in the morning along with a small handful of biscuits. She then has three quarters of another cat food pouch around 6.30pm with some more biscuits. Before you go to bed just top up the cat food with the remaining quarter. It is only by doing these things in this order that we can please Our Adorable Cat Overlord.

If you can give her one poultry and one fish pouch a day that would be fab. She will look at you like you are the scum of the universe whichever one you put down but she is more likely to eat the poultry option. Until she changes her mind on a whim and suddenly decides that she hates it, you and everything you stand for as a person.

The cat will get on the dining room table. We have given up on stopping her from doing this but don’t let her sit there when you are eating. She likes this the most. Never in my life did I ever think I would have to drag a cat off a table whilst desperately unhooking its claws from the wood and fishing its face out of a bowl of cheese. Never in my life did I ever think I would ever write that sentence in something called ‘instructions around the cat.’

Don’t let her eat dairy. I learnt this the painful and messy way.

She has a Dreamie ball where you can put in her Dreamies and she has to actively work for them. This is the only thing she ever has to work for in her life. That cat is such a freeloader it’s not even funny.

Conservatory

The cat’s litter tray is located here, at the furthest possible corner away from All Lifeforms™. As soon as she does a poop I suggest that you act fast and get that damn thing out of the house as soon as possible. You will know when she has done one. Even if you are on the moon, you will know. Cat poop bags can be found in the tray of the under-used and over-priced treadmill or under the sink cupboard.

Her litter tray needs a full clean out Tuesday with new liner and litter. The liner can be found under the sink cupboard and the litter can be found in the cupboard under the stairs.

The very second you have finished replenishing her litter with lovely new, clean litter she will have a massive poo in it. This has only ever not happened once or twice since we’ve had her and when this occurred there Was Much Rejoicing Throughout The Land.

Other Things

We have a cleaner, Jeanette, who comes every Wednesday from 10.00 – 12.00. This makes me and Huw sound so middle class posh but I swear that we aren’t. Oh sod it. I work hard for my right to not have to clean my own house.

The bins need to go out Sunday night.

So I’m sure Huw will give you a much more, succinct and practical guide to house/pet sitting for us but it is quite clear that I suffer from high levels of neuroses that have caused me to write a 4 page guide on how to live in a house. With a cat. I am fully aware that you are a sensible individual but just humour me on this. Remember I am marrying into the fam and will probably be around an obnoxiously long length of time.

As a disclaimer the cat may not do any of the above things. These are often observed behavioural patterns but then again she is a cat and she literally does the f*** what she wants.

 

P.S If you want to perform dance routines in front of the cat it is ok. She is used to this. However she won’t want to be included in the dance as she is ok with watching. Unless you want to do Catlympics with her feathers on a string, in which case I will point you towards Miley Cyrus ‘Wrecking Ball.’ That routine is what got us Catlympics Silver. That was a competition created by ourselves where we were only competing against….ourselves. And we came second???? Jeez clearly neither of us are living up to our full potential.