Gerry's Guide on 'The Cat'

Instructions for Morgan - Mainly Around 'The Cat'

So we are going away for the first time since owning a cat and Huw's brother is doing a bit of house sitting for us. Mainly cat sitting if we're being completely honest and so I created this rather handy guide on how to survive with the cat for a week.

I have somehow broken this into a guide by room similar to Cluedo...except instead of it being Professor Peacock in the Conservatory with the Lead Piping it will more likely be Fluffy Kitty in Any Room with Razor Sharp Claws.

Nah, she's harmless really...

So, Dear Morgan...

Attic room

The door always remains shut as it is an absolute mess in there at the moment. Somehow the cat has worked out how to open the door. No clue how as she doesn’t have apposable thumbs. If she were a Velociraptor we would all be in trouble.

If you can’t find the cat and somehow the door is open she will be in there. You can get her attention by waving a packet of Dreamies at her.

She will run up and down the attic stairs. Loudly. At night. When you are trying to sleep. Because she is spoilt and is Gerry’s precious boo boo this will continue forever. That and she is a cat and so there is no stopping it really.

 Study

This door also always remains shut unless someone is in there. This is because it contains Gerry’s Most Precious Things™ which may seem like nerdy nonsense to the world but Gerry loves them dearly. Because the cat is a leaper she will happily leap all over the shelves and possibly Destroy Stuff™. Because she is a cat she has no moral compass and doesn’t know that destroying Gerry’s Most Precious Things™ is wrong.

If you need to get her out, wave that packet of Dreamies like there is no tomorrow.

Guest Room

Make yourself at home! It’s up to you if you want to leave the door open or not. If you leave the door open then the cat will find her way in and make herself at home. This will either be on the pillow or the duvet or on your sleeping body, whichever she deems most comfortable. If she isn’t sure about you then she will just watch you closely in the night and silently judge you.

If she likes you then she will sit on your chest, watch you closely in the night and silently judge you.

If you don’t leave the door open and she knows you are in there prepare yourself for constant meowing and pawing at the door. Unless she doesn’t like you. I suggest you pray that she doesn’t like you.

Gerry and Huw’s Bedroom

Just let her go in there. It’s her room now anyway.

Bathroom

The door remains shut if no one is at home. If she were to get in then it’s not the end of the world. However it may well be the end of our glass shower screen as she elects to repeatedly bash the glass light switch against it.

If you are using the bathroom with the door closed she will meow pathetically like you are having some sort of elegant soiree in there that she got all dressed up nice for and that you promised her you would take her to but you haven’t because you are one mean bastard. Do not let her guilt trip you. Pee or poop in peace.

If you leave the door open slightly ajar she will push her way through and sit and watch you. She is judging your toilet paper skills. She is judging your tooth brushing habits. Nothing you do is right. She is a cat. She is your intellectual superior and wants you to know it.

Stairs

Now this is where she really earns the nickname Willow ‘Trip-Hazard’ Wandler.

Hallway

When you do anything with the blinds in the downstairs hall she will miraculously appear. This is also a good way to draw her out of whatever room you want her out of. The blind cord is not a blind cord at all but is, in fact, The Mystical Swingy Thing of Power. Only she appreciates its true value.

If you give her a toy to play with allow ten to fifteen minutes of play before you have to go to the sideboard in the hall and fish it out from underneath.

Front Doors/ Porch

Now this is the serious stuff – Willow is an indoor cat. I don’t rate her chances of survival in the outside world as being particularly high. Mostly because she has never been outside but also because I think she inherited some sort of idiot gene. I once caught her trying to climb the bannister to catch a fly, I mean she was literally going to throw herself off into the air in the hopes that she would destroy it. We were very close to having a scene similar to the end of Die Hard where Hans Gruber just looks into the camera as he falls down the side of the building. That didn’t occur in the end but it wasn’t for the lack of the cat trying.

Just imagine you are living in a space ship and there needs to be an air lock system. One door must always close before the other one opens. Such is life huh?? Huh??? If anyone knocks on the door or rings the bell they quite often just open the porch door and that cat is ninja fast so it’s best to make sure you have shut her away before you even try opening the front door.

Living Room

Not that we are forgetting the other two incredibly important members of the Chandler-Walsh household except these little ladies are so low maintenance and chilled it’s ridiculous. Clove is the fuzzy one and Mabel is the smooth one. They will happily talk to each other and you and if people don’t think that those little guinea pig clucking noises are the most adorable thing in the world then I don’t think I want to know those people.

I tend to greet them with “Hello Squiggly Ladies!” You don’t have to do this. We also like to sing “big bottom girls make the rockin’ world go round” at them. Again, you don’t have to do this.

The most important things for the piggies are as follows:-

·         Fresh water in their bottle

·         Fill up their hay stack

·         Replenish their pellets if they look low

·         Give them a handful of spinach – once in the morning and then again at about 6.30.

·         Bowl of fresh vegetables in the evening.

 

Hay and pellets can be found in the cupboard under the stairs. It is a disaster zone, please don’t judge us.

 

Huw and I will make sure they have a nice clean cage before we go and don’t worry about picking them up and getting them out while we are away. It’s only for a week and they can be skittish things if you’re not used to them. They can act like you are about to destroy their entire existence when all you’re doing is retrieving the chewed up and forgotten carrot pieces.

 

The cat will leap up onto the windowsill and stare out at the world beyond. This is fine. The cat will stare at the guinea pigs. This is also fine. The cat will then walk around the cage to get closer to where they are. This is starting to get less fine. The cat will try and ‘tap’ them. This is not fine. The cat knows that this is wrong so all you need to do is stand up and she will retract her paw from the cage and act like she doesn’t know why you are upset.

 

Feel free to chuck her out of the living room if she does this too much. She will meow pathetically but don’t let her guilt trip you into letting her back in.

 

The moral of that last story is feel free to leave the living room door open when you are in the house but make sure the cat can’t get in when you aren’t there. Or it’s just not fair on my little large- bottomed fuzzy faced babies.

 

If you need to get the cat out of the living room then you guessed it, grab those Dreamies.

 

Help yourself to Netflix. May I suggest Stranger Things? You should watch it. It is fantastic. Don’t judge the other stuff saved on there. Gilmore Girls is not mine. Once Upon A Time….is.

 

Kitchen

Every time you open the fridge door you will experience The Guinea Pig Chorus. Even if you have just fed them they will still sing for their supper. Guinea pig safe list is here - https://www.pdsa.org.uk/taking-care-of-your-pet/small-furries/diet

The grill is dangerous. I don’t care what anyone else says, it is a friend to no man. Also, if you use the grill or stove you can’t walk off. Remember what I said earlier about the cat having an idiot gene? Yeah I’ve also had to stop her from leaping up onto the grill and stove when they are on.

Help yourself to whatever food you can find. If Huw has done the food shop before we go this will be healthy items filled with nutritional value. If Gerry has done the food shop then you will have the remnants of whatever alcohol she didn’t finish off in time. And snack-a-jacks.

This is important: The Dreamies are on the side table by the door. Locate these first and you may have a chance at surviving the night.

Utility

Yeah you’re gonna have to operate that space ship airlock thing here too.

If you use the tumble dryer for whatever reason you can’t turn it on and leave the house as apparently it’s on some recall ‘it may kill you and all your loved ones’ list. That doesn’t mean it’s going to creep up the stairs silently in the night and sneak into the room where you are sleeping and silently watch the cat silently watch you. It just means that there is something dodgy with the mechanism that means the lint… hold on I have just given myself the creeps about the tumble dryer.

The cat food is in the cupboard.

Dining Area

The cat’s food and water bowls are in the dining area. Please give her fresh water in the morning and then again in the afternoon. She has one full pouch of cat food in the morning along with a small handful of biscuits. She then has three quarters of another cat food pouch around 6.30pm with some more biscuits. Before you go to bed just top up the cat food with the remaining quarter. It is only by doing these things in this order that we can please Our Adorable Cat Overlord.

If you can give her one poultry and one fish pouch a day that would be fab. She will look at you like you are the scum of the universe whichever one you put down but she is more likely to eat the poultry option. Until she changes her mind on a whim and suddenly decides that she hates it, you and everything you stand for as a person.

The cat will get on the dining room table. We have given up on stopping her from doing this but don’t let her sit there when you are eating. She likes this the most. Never in my life did I ever think I would have to drag a cat off a table whilst desperately unhooking its claws from the wood and fishing its face out of a bowl of cheese. Never in my life did I ever think I would ever write that sentence in something called ‘instructions around the cat.’

Don’t let her eat dairy. I learnt this the painful and messy way.

She has a Dreamie ball where you can put in her Dreamies and she has to actively work for them. This is the only thing she ever has to work for in her life. That cat is such a freeloader it’s not even funny.

Conservatory

The cat’s litter tray is located here, at the furthest possible corner away from All Lifeforms™. As soon as she does a poop I suggest that you act fast and get that damn thing out of the house as soon as possible. You will know when she has done one. Even if you are on the moon, you will know. Cat poop bags can be found in the tray of the under-used and over-priced treadmill or under the sink cupboard.

Her litter tray needs a full clean out Tuesday with new liner and litter. The liner can be found under the sink cupboard and the litter can be found in the cupboard under the stairs.

The very second you have finished replenishing her litter with lovely new, clean litter she will have a massive poo in it. This has only ever not happened once or twice since we’ve had her and when this occurred there Was Much Rejoicing Throughout The Land.

Other Things

We have a cleaner, Jeanette, who comes every Wednesday from 10.00 – 12.00. This makes me and Huw sound so middle class posh but I swear that we aren’t. Oh sod it. I work hard for my right to not have to clean my own house.

The bins need to go out Sunday night.

So I’m sure Huw will give you a much more, succinct and practical guide to house/pet sitting for us but it is quite clear that I suffer from high levels of neuroses that have caused me to write a 4 page guide on how to live in a house. With a cat. I am fully aware that you are a sensible individual but just humour me on this. Remember I am marrying into the fam and will probably be around an obnoxiously long length of time.

As a disclaimer the cat may not do any of the above things. These are often observed behavioural patterns but then again she is a cat and she literally does the f*** what she wants.

 

P.S If you want to perform dance routines in front of the cat it is ok. She is used to this. However she won’t want to be included in the dance as she is ok with watching. Unless you want to do Catlympics with her feathers on a string, in which case I will point you towards Miley Cyrus ‘Wrecking Ball.’ That routine is what got us Catlympics Silver. That was a competition created by ourselves where we were only competing against….ourselves. And we came second???? Jeez clearly neither of us are living up to our full potential.